NeedIsaymore?

afraid.
disturbed.
overwhelmed.
at wits end.
falling.
broken.
far away.
unsure.
crippled.
mask.
lies.
pretender.

hide.
run.
death.

you can't save me.

Cold..

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

There she goes..

I've done this one too many times in my many years of living.
Too many times for my own good I'd say.
Let your guard down,
open yourself up to people,
get to know them too much for your own good,
invest feelings and emotions,
build it up all in your pretty little mind....
just to have them all shoved off a shelf like an expensive crystal vase.

But is it just me?

I just hype myself up with thoughts and ideas.
Building castles in the clouds :/

Round and round we go, where we'd stop? Nobody knows.

Hello hello, (like anyone actually reads my stuff)
I know it's been a while, blame me for my inability to consistently put up posts.
Greetings aside, lets get down to business.

Uncertainty.
This would be the best word to represent my thoughts right now.
Lately since i've practically "all-the-time-in-the-world" I ponder among many things that have, are and will be happening.
The curse of an idle mind.

And the outcome of all this pondering is.... me, feeling uncertain and most unnerved with it all.
Many questions circle my brain over and over again like the laundry going round and round in a washing machine.

To my dismay I can't present myself with definite answers.
I think no one can...
I yearn for answers as to where I will be in the years to come?
what will be of me?
how will I be doing in uni in the next semester? (last thing I wanna do is upset my parents like the previous sem)
Where do I stand in this world?
.. and the questions  are simply never ending.
It's not like I can pick up ye' old magic 8 ball, ask a question, flip it over and get my answers. right?

Do I go left? Or do I go right?
Do I submit? Or do I fight?
Do I stay? Or should I go?
All these questions,
In time we'll know.

Like I said, tons on my mind.
As Pooh Bear would say.. "Oh bother!"

This is all for now, till next time.

Home

Hello, it's me again.

As many of you might or might not know, I just got home from Aus.

And I was wondering to myself, what really made me miss home?

I thought bout it throughout the first night since i've gotten home, 

and yet i was unable to pin point out why.

Yes, there's the scrumptious food my maid cooks, my family and yada yadda yadda..

but still...there were so many other things that made home, HOME.

And it hit me at 7.30am after waking up miraculously early and as i wandered out of my room to find that no one was at home except for my maids.

the rooms had no people in it, but it didn't feel hollow and bare as it was when i was living alone.

And as i walked around my house i began to realize the little things that made my home, HOME!

home to me was.. 

the smell of my sheets and pillows as i go to bed at night,

the familiar scent of detergent in my clothes,

the smell of my dad's cologne he puts on before he goes to work lingering in my parent's room and the entire upstairs of my house, 

the sound of my maid washing the clothes in the backyard and the other sweeping the fallen leaves off the yard, 

the sound of the birds chirping melodiously in the morning and the barks of my dog as the newspaper delivery man zooms by on his motorcycle,

the faint but distinguishable roar of my parent's car engines as they pull into the driveway,

my mother's nightly routine of watching chinese shows at night

chatting and joking around with my maids..

all these little things are what constitutes a home, my home to be exact.

and these were all the little things i've missed when i was away.

IF I..

If I hugged you,

would you never let go?

If I kissed you,

would you cherish that moment?

If I reached for your hand,

would you take mine gently?

If I needed a shoulder,

would you let me cry on yours?

If I needed to talk,

would you really listen?

If I needed to scream,

would you do it with me?

If I needed to go,

would you come with me?

If I fell for you,

would you catch me?

or just let me hit the pavement?

Walking on air.

couldn't feel much better
than the way i feel tonight
feel like i could live forever
feel like i could fly
when i thought i'd get it wrong yeah
you somehow make things right

that's the way you make me feel
better than i've ever known it
better than it's ever been
i can't seem to control it, no

it's the way you make me feel
like the sun coming up in the morning
like holding the world in your hands
in a way i could never imagine yeah
the way you make me feel

Game over...I'm the fool once again

Once again I sit here with this taste of regret in my mouth,
thinking to myself, "why the hell did you foil again?!"
yes, I've been a fool.
I've deprived myself of countless opportunities to be happy..
or maybe to feel what is claimed to be "happiness".

I was too quick to reject.
too quick to put up a front,
too quick to pull back, push them away
and give them the cold shoulder.
only to realize that I've shunned away something or someone
that could've been good for me.

but alas..
it's too late to take back what I've done.

I was just too stupid.

Don't hold your breath..

Suspense.
According to an online dictionary 'suspense' would mean..
a state or condition of mental uncertainty or excitement, as in awaiting a decision or outcome, usually accompanied by adegree of apprehension or anxiety.




Everyone loves a lil' suspense in their lives. don't they?
Without it, I'd figure life would be rather boring..i would say BLAND.
Nothing like a lil' something to keep you on the edge of your seat, eh?

There's always this thrill that comes with watching a horror movie..a silent moment where you wonder if a headless freak will pop out in the dark screaming like a deranged banshee?

the suspense behind every page you flip when reading a story book.

or the feeling that your heart is beating a million times a minute during those last few moments before you flip over that exam results slip which will determine where you stand in life. Will you be boxed up and shipped away with the stupids or will you shine and gleam with the ''successful ones''?

or  maybe a woman waiting to find out if she has conceived. the path to a wonderful future or to doom?

the excitement you feel wondering if your boyfriend of 8 years whom is kneeling right in front of you is going to 'pop the question' or is just simply retying his darn shoelaces?

honestly, it could be anything.
suspense can come with anything.
and with these anythings, so many questions.
so many outcomes.
so many consequences.

You tell me.

Ultimate happiness. or maybe even happiness.

Is there such a thing?

Seems like every time I'm given and inch of it, it gets snatched away the very next minute.

Everything is temporary I reckon.

Nothing ever lasts forever.

Even your bones that will lie in the ground will deteriorate and turn into nothing but dust.

I leave it up to fate now.

There's no other way but up from here ( or is that what they want you to believe?)

Here I am again..
blogging about my misery to whomever has the time to actually read this pathetic blog of mine.
I know I'm getting really whiny these past couple of days but this seems to be the only outlet for me to vent and rant.
So please bear with me for the moment.
I'll get myself out of this rut.
soon I hope.. :/

Haven't been getting much sleep lately..
although I've been hitting the sack at the oddest hours.. 8-9PM (can you believe it?!)
I seem to be getting up every 2 hours only to find out that it's still dark out.
whats wrong with me?
is it due to the fact that I'm unconsciously worrying about my problems that it's affecting my sleep cycle?
I'd reckon it is.
Oh bother... :/

I'm really contemplating the idea of going back to KL..
but I really do wanna study here and not be called a quitter.
since when is Jasmine Saw Shu Yen a quitter?
I hope I don't start being one.

I didn't think that I would fall so low.
Being in this state of mind and what not....
Guess this is just a hitch as they say,
I'll soon pick myself up and dust the dirt off my clothes and carry on.
I really do hope that I don't lose myself before I do get a chance to get back on my feet.

oh god, I'm feeling really sleepy now..
thank you problems for all the emotional and physical energy drainage.
looks like I'll be hitting the sheets now.
yawnn..